Boom! Struck a sound of thunder in the vast sky. The shadowing clouds were beginning to close in on Diagon Ally blocking out any sign of light. The delicate but fierce wind brushed past my face. The slight wet feel of a drop of rain gave me a sudden shock. The once heavenly shining day had turned to an invidious darkening soggy mess. All light had vanished.
Suddenly a stimulating smell of freshly made lollies drifted into my nostrils. Gandalf and I sprung around to look behind us. “Wow!” Gandalf and I both said to ourselves. It stands out like a sore thumb. An electrifying feel of joy lit up my body. It was a lolly shop!. It was sprouting with wonderful delighting colours projecting out a buzzing feel. A gigantic moving picture of a clown stretched across the whole alley dancing in glee. The shop stood there loud and proud. I edged round to see Gandalfs reaction. His colossal smile covered his whole face. This was like a dream.
Zoom! we were there in a flash. The sign of the dancing clown had grown 10 times bigger and peered down at us like we were ants. We stared through the window into the heavenly sight of a shop full of bursting magical tasty lollies ready to be devoured by our mouths.
We slowly and steadily opened the two glamorous shining front doors. An instant smell of tangy fruit entered my nostrils and a light tingle went down my back. We then began to gradually gaze around at our magnificent radiate surroundings. A gigantic cylinder exceeding upwards stood happily in the middle of the shop. Surrounded by another glowing circular wall around the edges of this splendid shop glancing in on the center. Peering upwards there was no roof, it just kept extending upwards with each wall entirely stacked full of fresh lollies proudly glancing down on us. Every where you looked you would see the bright vivid colours of each individual lolly. They were like people, all different but still wonderful in their own way. Sounds of joyful kids music blasted around the shop adding that merry vibe to the whole place. As we carefully wondered our way around the prolonged cylinder in the middle we peeked down at the beaming sparkle of the floor glaring back up at us. This was the greatest shop of all time.
As Gandalf and I glanced closely as some lollies that caught our fancy we realised they were alive! “Yahhhoooo!” went one of the lollies as we looked in closer. Gandalf and I bounced back in shock. These things were bursting with electrifying energy begging to be consumed , all as jolly as a kid on Christmas day. Gandalf and I decided to then leave this shop of delight. It was definitely one of the craziest days of our lives.
We lightly treaded out the two glowing front doors instantly feeling the frozen touch of rain on our faces. We both peered back behind us and pop! The shop was gone in a blink of an eye. This was all a dream.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Ewan,
Here is some feedback.
Pay closer attention to your punctuation and spelling. There are minor errors creeping into your work.
Be wary of the empty adjectives. You need to be using specific details so your reader can truly experience your shop as if it were real.
Keep at it.
Mr Johnson
Hi Ewan,
There are still issues regarding the previous feedback you have received.
Read your work out loud. Some of your word choices do not fit with the context you have written. Reading your work out loud will help you catch these.
Try to focus on the description of the store itself. Add in more specific details to allow your reader to truly experience the shop.
Mr Johnson